Father Mathis teaches children how to quickly multiply and divide using pre-Common Core methods. Using flashcards, screaming, and threats of violence, Father Mathis will make sure your child leaves as a human calculator.

Is your child struggling to read aloud, causing embarrassment at social gatherings and holiday events? Do other parents look at you like you’re a complete failure? The “Yes! You Can Read!” course with Sister Gertrude will make sure that your little academic will be able to get through any text and feign understanding like your favorite Fox News anchors!

Have your children been sent home with multiple “behavioral slips?” Do they talk back or refuse to listen to the nanny? Perhaps they are spending an unusual amount of time on their mobile phones? All of these signs should not be ignored, as they are red flags telling you that the forces of Satan have taken over your child’s mind! Lucky for you, OLOTPAC offers “Express Exorcism” exclusively for children enrolled at our school. Father Finger and Father Touchme will use their skills and brute strength to make sure your child acts like a drugged dog for the remainder of the school year.